Motivational wrapping paper|
[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 12 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Saturday, December 10th, 2005|
|oh christmas tree
for the first time in my entire life i'm turning to livejournal so i don't run screaming through the halls and put my fist through a wall or a face. i needed to talk to someone, badly. but it's 3 am here, and i could wake laura up, but i need someone else. i need people from home. i am ashamed to be a part of a species who can lack so much consideration for others and have so little concept of morals. i'm so restless here. i'm so sick of putting all my energy into 2nd grade cold shoulders that i somehow got involved in, and pretending to be indifferent and most importantly pretending to be strong. who am i kidding...i absolutely cannot handle this shit. handling it isn't pouring my anger out on livejournal at 3 when i have to get up at 7. all i wanted was to learn. all i came to college for was to learn about music. i didn't come to party, i didn't come to turn everything upside down by going against the grain. i kept quiet, and independant, and studied in my free time and practiced instead of drinking. i didn't come to be met with some of the most revolting and mind boggling personalities i've ever faced. really, i'm having one of those i-can't-believe-the-sadness-in-the-world moments, only i've been having it for months. i can't fathom how a 5 year engagement can be broken in a day with no explanation, or how a best friend can desert the most selfless, loving person in the universe for her ex-boyfriend, or how people can be so immature, selfish, disloyal, disgusting. disgusting. disgusting. for once i'm not even directly involved. i'm not at all really. i've just been stuck in the quiet spectator position and i'm finally feeling all of the "hey! stop it!"s and "how can you do that?"s that i've kept in and it's like nothing i've ever felt before. i need new york streets and new york anonymity and new york winter and new york love. i need real people.
|Sunday, October 2nd, 2005|
|a new york moment
Last night I was invited to have dinner and see the Hubbard Street Dance Co. with my cousin and two of his friends. So they're all grown ups...we went to this really fancy french bistro, and then right off to the show which was a little too modern for my taste, but a cool experience and really interesting. Steve, my cousin, insisted on walking me back to my dorms, which were a good 3/4 mile away from the theatre. He just kept mentioning it, and I didn't think much of it, except that it would be a great chance for me to tell him about...things. Only, we're walking for a while, making small talk and he says, "There's a reason I did this. What I'm about to tell you isn't good news, but it's not nearly as bad as it sounds." And then he told me that he has cancer. The thing that made it so hard to hear, aside from never having to hear that before in my life, was that he's so much like my dad. I mean, I was thinking all night how he looks at his watch just like him, and and how he's always just a little antsy. So he's telling me everything so matter-of-factly and looking straight ahead while we're walking and then he says, "And that's that." And all I could say was "Sorry," and I couldn't help thinking that maybe we were supposed to stop walking and hug or cry or something that people usually do when an exchange like this happens. But we just walked in silence for a little while my brain was reeling and his was probably doing the same and then he just said, "So what's going on with you?" And I thought telling him might cheer him up a little, because he'd understand more than anyone else in my family. So I said, "Well I have news too. Only it's good." And I told him. And we stopped walking, and hugged. Only he started laughing and I started to cry. Current Mood: grateful
|Thursday, September 29th, 2005|
|life with a side of pickles
It's beautiful out. Sunny and cloud-free and probably about 60. I'm wearing a brand new sweater that I'm in love with. I'm eating raw broccoli cause it's better than fries and they have it at the salad bar in the caf. Recent self discovery: I'm a horrifyingly jealous person. While it used to be something that made me crazy only occasionally, it's really beginning to throw a wrench in my general productivity and well being. It needs to stop. Like, now. So if you see me, and you think the look on my face is one of utter jealousy and/or self loathing due to unfair comparison to another person's attributes....*breath*..slap me. Current Mood: busy
|Thursday, September 15th, 2005|
|let it slide
Everything's going to be fine. I think. Current Mood: blah
|Tuesday, September 13th, 2005|
|"Ok, don't push the scorpion towards the victims"
Before I got to college I was always looking foward to doing "college-y" things when I got here. Not really the parties, or the big cafeterias where you put your food on a tray. I mean like, bummy, roughing it, pathetic but comforting kinds of things. Like, for instance, what I'm doing at exactly this moment. Sitting cross legged at my computer in jeans and a CMBP sweatshirt (it's cold in my room,) with my hair up all stupid, picking the most frosted frosted mini wheats out of a box that Laur's mom gave me so I wouldn't starve. They're slightly stale, but they're the only remotely food-like substance in my room whatsoever and I'm starving. The things is...and I don't know if this makes me nuts, but I love shit like this. I love that, after a really long day today, that I have the time to do this. To sit by myself and pick through a box of cereal like a little kid and look through the bars on my window at the buildings around me. Sigh. I miss everyone from home. Later kids. Current Mood: content
|Tuesday, September 6th, 2005|
|the phantom roommate
Crap. I just dropped a reeses peices on the floor and I am now terrified that I'll be eaten alive by giant roaches cause I can't find the fucker cause it's brown and the fuckin carpet is brown too.
So I went to my first major rock (ish?) concert Sunday night. With moshing and crowd surfing and cigarette's being put out on feet and ginormous sweaty monsters flying into you from all angles. Reel Big Fish. It wasn't my idea. And I've been told that, really, that's pretty lame. But it was a nice escape from the world of classical music, and a lot of fun to be so silly and loud.
On the same note, despite the fact that I may be slowly dying of mold inhalation from the vents in my dorm, I've had a great two weeks, and I don't think there could have been a better way to kick off the year. I went to a cool concert, I stayed up way too late every night, I ate out at pretty much all of my favorite Chicago places, I bought two pairs of absolutely perfect jeans, (don't look at me like that...you know there's no feeling like the one you get when you wear absolutely perfect jeans) I even went to the vocal major pizza party thing which is HUGE for me because it's such a scary thing. Today I might go to the art institute. Free on Tuesdays. Lovely. Current Mood: good
|Friday, September 2nd, 2005|
|An expert loft bed getter-offer
Well. I don't know. Things seem to be perfect when I'm in one place, and absolutely awful when I'm in another. I've basically been at the other dorms for the last two days. When I'm there, I'm with my friends, I'm looking foward to all the music there is to learn, I want to run around and rollerblade and dance for the people across the courtyard and wrestle and eat crappy food. Then I come back here and I feel like an entirely different person. I had no idea I was so easily affected by my physical surroundings. The only way I can try and explain it really is that it's like the game, "The Sims." Like, you know how they'll be in one of the cool rooms that you designed that has like, bright wallpaper and lots of windows and maybe a pinball machine? And then they walk into the kitchen which you forgot to clean up after dinner so there are flies buzzing around dishes and it's night time and your Sim has yet to turn on the lamp in the corner so they're "Mood" level goes from like a 9 to a 3. Yes...now that I think of it, that's almost exactly what's happening to me.
On an entirely different subject, (for a change,) I'm going to work incredibly hard this semester and be awesome. I just have to. Current Mood: weird
|Monday, August 29th, 2005|
|goldfish, coke, and hopelessness
So after one of the best weeks of my life, I could die. I'm literally surrounded by mountains of stuff right now...I just had to take a break from unpacking. I honestly don't know how I'm gonna deal with living in this dorm. I have no space for literally half of my stuff...no view but the generators, no one to go to in this building, no extra space to breathe in. I feel like such an asshole, being so whiny and materialistic and all. Really though, as soon as Laur left this morning, and I shut the door and turned around and really looked at what I have to make due with, I felt so alone and scared that it hurt. I was trying so hard to be optimistic about the year, but it's getting off to a rough start. Ick. Current Mood: frustrated
|Friday, August 19th, 2005|
Unfortunately, or fortunantely (?), that previous entry should be completely disregarded. After putting my brother and I through some real ridiculous shit, my parents changed they're minds and will be "trying new ways to improve their relationship." Now, I know I'm no expert on 30 year marraiges, but I think they're being dumb. Not my place though...whatever. Anyway, they dragged us on "vacation" for a week in Cape May. To risk sounding even more like an ungrateful brat, I must say, it was lame. Lame lame lame. Especially because tranluscent people like myself do not tan well, no matter how much sunscreen they slather on. I had to take an Aveeno bath the very. first. night.
At least I'll be back in Chicago in like, a day. Thank god. In terms of school though, I think I'm even more scared than I was before my freshman year, just because of different thing's I'll have to confront when class starts again. (Like mother fucking communal bathrooms after a year of private ones...arrrghhhh dirt and bugs and sharing...
G'night. Current Mood: sleepy
|Thursday, August 4th, 2005|
|Hard to Say
d-i-v-o-r-c-e. So after the initial shock, now I'm just kind of numb. Although this shouldn't be such a surprise, it feels like it's happening to someone else's family...not mine. Not my parents, who've been married for 30 years. I thought they'd at least wait until all of us were in college. Last night I had to play best friend to my mom while she told me everything a daughter should never have to hear from her mother's mouth. At this point, I'm finding it very hard not to take sides. I can't stop thinking about how, in just a few months, I have to decide who's house I want to go to for Thanksgiving. There are a million more things to say, and I don't have any of the energy left to say them all right now. I changed my flight back to Chicago...I'm going early. My heart hurts. Current Mood: crushed
|Thursday, July 28th, 2005|
|"No, no...the corset can be much tighter."
Yet again I've been a bad live-journaler and have refrained from posting for an extended period of time. For the sake of my sanity, and for the possibility of entertaining a select few people, I hereby make a resolution to write more often. Especially because I've got nothing else to do but sit at my computer here at work and lament the fact that I'm not outside playing in this pretty weather. So there.
For two weeks straight I've been rehearsing for a 3 person opera that opens tomorrow night. I've never had an opportunity like this before. I take the final bow. I wear a silly, pretty 1700s costume that actually makes it look like I have boobs. I'm excited. I'm scared out of my mind.
My 19th birthday came and went. I got some really thoughtful gifts from the guys...sometimes I wish I could just take each of them aside and hand them everything they've ever wanted in the whole world. The more that the 4 of us mature and fight and wrestle and hug, the more I realize how lucky I am to have to have them as constant fixtures of support and love and fun and learning, (no matter how stupid I'm being.) Um...didn't mean to go off on such a tangent...just in a kind of sentimental mood. Anyway, right..birthday. More people called/emailed/sent things than ever before, and it meant so much to me. Yeah..it was probably one of my better birthdays.
My house is being taken over by silverfish. (For anyone who doesn't know, those silvery centipede-type satanic bugs.) Ok, not taking over, really, but having one fall out of my towel when i got out of the shower and finding one just chilling in my underwear drawer is too much. They're so fucking gross. .::shudder::.
Also, hazelnut coffee is going to be the death of me. Current Mood: contemplative
|Wednesday, June 1st, 2005|
Because Kirsten asked me to, I think I'll start writing in this again. Ok..I mean, I think I'll start writing in it period. It'll be a good use of time during my hour long lunch breaks that generally consist of me checking my e-mail every 10 minutes. So the thing is, I'm afraid to write about everything I want to write about because I don't want all the people from school to find this journal and know anything about me other than the fact that I'm a "bitchy," "jewish," girl from brooklyn. Until I figure out a way to write in code, I think I'll have to refrain from dispensing all the gory details. For now, a quick life update:
1)I am disgustingly in love with a wonderful person, and the feeling happens to be reciprocated by said person. Lovely.
2)I am working 9-5, Monday-Friday at a real grown up job with real grown up benefits, wearing real grown up clothes and getting a real grown up paycheck. It's turned out to be awfully depressing.
3)I get weekly manicures. What have I turned into?
4)What have I turned into can apply to a lot of things nowadays.
Enough for now. Have fabulous respective days. Current Mood: calm